Soliloquy

Hey you! It's funny how all of the things that I wanted in the past felt so far away, but now I know what I want and who I am. Or.. is it "Who I want to be"? haha :) I read what I wrote before and it said that I had wanted someone who wouldn't be so serious all the time and makes me laugh. It's funny to me because all this time, I've wanted that kind of person, but he'd standing right in front of me all along. It's funny.. cause he's the one I've wanted. And no matter how much I try to escape and tell myself that I belong with someone else, I know that's not true. I'd wished for him for so long. The person who makes me laugh and smile and isn't so serious all the time. I dislike the word 'love', and prefer the word like. He's so understanding.. And all of these things that I've wanted.. Everything I've wanted.. Has always been here. I've just never noticed because I was too busy worrying over unnecessary things. I was blind to the happiness that life has brought me. There's no need to worry. Everything that 'worry' is, is my misuse of my own imagination and it brings me nothing but negativity and is unneeded. I miss him and all the love I've ever wanted or needed is within myself. Even if I lose him, I'll still live and love myself, that brings me happiness more than anything else. He understands me and I understand myself. That's what matters.

I heard Zero saying, "Why would I want to be with someone who will just hurt me?"
And he is right. Even if we were together again.. I'd just hurt him again, and he'd hurt me. Why would I want to relive all that pain and strife? I love the happiness that I have achieved now and I intend to keep it within my tightened grasp. And then.. The reason why it ended is because I made bad decisions and I was.. absolutely.. full of anxiety and insecurities. I feel like maybe I haven't really found myself yet, even though Rikki says I already have. I don't think I've really reached that point yet. I owe it to myself to move on, and it's unfair to Larry if I don't, but I'm doing it at my own pace and he knows that. I miss him so much and he's the one I'm truly dedicated to right now. Next period is going to be intermediate acting.

Definition of SOLILOQUY

1

: the act of talking to oneself

2

: a dramatic monologue that represents a series of unspoken reflections

Origin of SOLILOQUY

Late Latin soliloquium, from Latin solus alone + loqui to speak

First Known Use: circa 1613

Definition of STRIFE

1

a : bitter sometimes violent conflict or dissension strife> b : an act of contention : fight, struggle

2

: exertion or contention for superiority

3

archaic : earnest endeavor