Soliloquy

Hey you! It's funny how all of the things that I wanted in the past felt so far away, but now I know what I want and who I am. Or.. is it "Who I want to be"? haha :) I read what I wrote before and it said that I had wanted someone who wouldn't be so serious all the time and makes me laugh. It's funny to me because all this time, I've wanted that kind of person, but he'd standing right in front of me all along. It's funny.. cause he's the one I've wanted. And no matter how much I try to escape and tell myself that I belong with someone else, I know that's not true. I'd wished for him for so long. The person who makes me laugh and smile and isn't so serious all the time. I dislike the word 'love', and prefer the word like. He's so understanding.. And all of these things that I've wanted.. Everything I've wanted.. Has always been here. I've just never noticed because I was too busy worrying over unnecessary things. I was blind to the happiness that life has brought me. There's no need to worry. Everything that 'worry' is, is my misuse of my own imagination and it brings me nothing but negativity and is unneeded. I miss him and all the love I've ever wanted or needed is within myself. Even if I lose him, I'll still live and love myself, that brings me happiness more than anything else. He understands me and I understand myself. That's what matters.

I heard Zero saying, "Why would I want to be with someone who will just hurt me?"
And he is right. Even if we were together again.. I'd just hurt him again, and he'd hurt me. Why would I want to relive all that pain and strife? I love the happiness that I have achieved now and I intend to keep it within my tightened grasp. And then.. The reason why it ended is because I made bad decisions and I was.. absolutely.. full of anxiety and insecurities. I feel like maybe I haven't really found myself yet, even though Rikki says I already have. I don't think I've really reached that point yet. I owe it to myself to move on, and it's unfair to Larry if I don't, but I'm doing it at my own pace and he knows that. I miss him so much and he's the one I'm truly dedicated to right now. Next period is going to be intermediate acting.

Definition of SOLILOQUY

1

: the act of talking to oneself

2

: a dramatic monologue that represents a series of unspoken reflections

Origin of SOLILOQUY

Late Latin soliloquium, from Latin solus alone + loqui to speak

First Known Use: circa 1613

Definition of STRIFE

1

a : bitter sometimes violent conflict or dissension strife> b : an act of contention : fight, struggle

2

: exertion or contention for superiority

3

archaic : earnest endeavor

Always JUST Wishes..

Hey you! Nobody wants to listen to me anymore. Like I said. I am better off alone. Where can one find happiness? In others, like romantic love? In friends? In family? In things? Where is it? I think it's in ourselves. There is so much that I want, but I feel as if I can't reach.
I want a happy relationship filled with love between me and my boyfriend. I want communication. I want [insert items]. I want to write my own book series. I want to be in a band and make music. Either vocals or playing the guitar or both. I want to be happy without love and happy with it. Someone who makes me laugh and isn't serious all the time and understands me. I want all of those things, but it feels like they're unreachable. I want to be a mangaka, so I can write manga books. I have so many ideas and images in my head I want on paper. I want to be in a band and connect with people who believe in me and want all of us to succeed, by making music TOGETHER. Believing in each other. They feel so far away right now.
Vocalist, Writer, Mangaka..
Whatever.. People always say they're just dreams. Your thinking too..

Nails dig the deepest into skin
Pour all hearts within
How can it be made
From something so complicated
Soul born filling me
Just a body

Hey you! My new boyfriend is Jason Omar Cornejo! I'm not really sure about my thoughts from the past anymore.. People can be independent, but also be with someone.. Two independent people together.. Or is it more like half independent and half independent or is it codependency? Well never mind, doesn't matter. All I'm doing now is watching anime movies and thinking about how to get a prepaid phone. I'm thinking about whether I should wait for my brother to just buy me the phone or use my money to get a prepaid phone and minutes or just wait for him to get it for me. That money was supposed to be for the Anime Expo or for those super cool cloud pants i saw at the store.. rawr >o< sigh~

The bridge collapsed after I blinked my eyes once and soon all it was rubble, blocking the flow of the river. That was the end. My mother called to me from far away and I had to return home that night. She asked me why I had been sighing ever since we got home.

"It's because that was my favorite bridge. Where I met Keito."
"Well you know he's gone now. He's not going to come back. "

I told myself over and over again that he would come again, but I knew my mother was trying to make me deal with reality. I sighed, and walked away from her. "We're such a dysfunctional family.", I thought to myself.

The next day, I climbed the mountain and looked down below to see all of the city and the broken bridge. I smiled, as the memories that felt so real from the past began to seep through the cracks. My fingers pulled through the locks of hair flowing down to my shoulders. My hair had been getting longer. How long has it been? Since I've seen him.. Now it feels like maybe he never really existed. The only thing that proves his existence now is just my thoughts of him that keep him alive.

Small pillars of blue light began to spread like puddles of water below my feet and my body began to sink into the abyss. It was pulling me in and there was no escape no matter how much I screamed and struggled. "Help! Somebody help me!" There was no use, no one except me came up to the mountains anymore and all that could be heard were the sounds of the animals and cicadas. Everything went black and the unconscious pulled me in.