Soliloquy

Hey you! It's funny how all of the things that I wanted in the past felt so far away, but now I know what I want and who I am. Or.. is it "Who I want to be"? haha :) I read what I wrote before and it said that I had wanted someone who wouldn't be so serious all the time and makes me laugh. It's funny to me because all this time, I've wanted that kind of person, but he'd standing right in front of me all along. It's funny.. cause he's the one I've wanted. And no matter how much I try to escape and tell myself that I belong with someone else, I know that's not true. I'd wished for him for so long. The person who makes me laugh and smile and isn't so serious all the time. I dislike the word 'love', and prefer the word like. He's so understanding.. And all of these things that I've wanted.. Everything I've wanted.. Has always been here. I've just never noticed because I was too busy worrying over unnecessary things. I was blind to the happiness that life has brought me. There's no need to worry. Everything that 'worry' is, is my misuse of my own imagination and it brings me nothing but negativity and is unneeded. I miss him and all the love I've ever wanted or needed is within myself. Even if I lose him, I'll still live and love myself, that brings me happiness more than anything else. He understands me and I understand myself. That's what matters.

I heard Zero saying, "Why would I want to be with someone who will just hurt me?"
And he is right. Even if we were together again.. I'd just hurt him again, and he'd hurt me. Why would I want to relive all that pain and strife? I love the happiness that I have achieved now and I intend to keep it within my tightened grasp. And then.. The reason why it ended is because I made bad decisions and I was.. absolutely.. full of anxiety and insecurities. I feel like maybe I haven't really found myself yet, even though Rikki says I already have. I don't think I've really reached that point yet. I owe it to myself to move on, and it's unfair to Larry if I don't, but I'm doing it at my own pace and he knows that. I miss him so much and he's the one I'm truly dedicated to right now. Next period is going to be intermediate acting.

Definition of SOLILOQUY

1

: the act of talking to oneself

2

: a dramatic monologue that represents a series of unspoken reflections

Origin of SOLILOQUY

Late Latin soliloquium, from Latin solus alone + loqui to speak

First Known Use: circa 1613

Definition of STRIFE

1

a : bitter sometimes violent conflict or dissension strife> b : an act of contention : fight, struggle

2

: exertion or contention for superiority

3

archaic : earnest endeavor

Always JUST Wishes..

Hey you! Nobody wants to listen to me anymore. Like I said. I am better off alone. Where can one find happiness? In others, like romantic love? In friends? In family? In things? Where is it? I think it's in ourselves. There is so much that I want, but I feel as if I can't reach.
I want a happy relationship filled with love between me and my boyfriend. I want communication. I want [insert items]. I want to write my own book series. I want to be in a band and make music. Either vocals or playing the guitar or both. I want to be happy without love and happy with it. Someone who makes me laugh and isn't serious all the time and understands me. I want all of those things, but it feels like they're unreachable. I want to be a mangaka, so I can write manga books. I have so many ideas and images in my head I want on paper. I want to be in a band and connect with people who believe in me and want all of us to succeed, by making music TOGETHER. Believing in each other. They feel so far away right now.
Vocalist, Writer, Mangaka..
Whatever.. People always say they're just dreams. Your thinking too..

Nails dig the deepest into skin
Pour all hearts within
How can it be made
From something so complicated
Soul born filling me
Just a body

Hey you! My new boyfriend is Jason Omar Cornejo! I'm not really sure about my thoughts from the past anymore.. People can be independent, but also be with someone.. Two independent people together.. Or is it more like half independent and half independent or is it codependency? Well never mind, doesn't matter. All I'm doing now is watching anime movies and thinking about how to get a prepaid phone. I'm thinking about whether I should wait for my brother to just buy me the phone or use my money to get a prepaid phone and minutes or just wait for him to get it for me. That money was supposed to be for the Anime Expo or for those super cool cloud pants i saw at the store.. rawr >o< sigh~

The bridge collapsed after I blinked my eyes once and soon all it was rubble, blocking the flow of the river. That was the end. My mother called to me from far away and I had to return home that night. She asked me why I had been sighing ever since we got home.

"It's because that was my favorite bridge. Where I met Keito."
"Well you know he's gone now. He's not going to come back. "

I told myself over and over again that he would come again, but I knew my mother was trying to make me deal with reality. I sighed, and walked away from her. "We're such a dysfunctional family.", I thought to myself.

The next day, I climbed the mountain and looked down below to see all of the city and the broken bridge. I smiled, as the memories that felt so real from the past began to seep through the cracks. My fingers pulled through the locks of hair flowing down to my shoulders. My hair had been getting longer. How long has it been? Since I've seen him.. Now it feels like maybe he never really existed. The only thing that proves his existence now is just my thoughts of him that keep him alive.

Small pillars of blue light began to spread like puddles of water below my feet and my body began to sink into the abyss. It was pulling me in and there was no escape no matter how much I screamed and struggled. "Help! Somebody help me!" There was no use, no one except me came up to the mountains anymore and all that could be heard were the sounds of the animals and cicadas. Everything went black and the unconscious pulled me in.

Hey you! My friend told me about the song Toxic by A Static Lullaby. I've fallen in love even though it's a Britney Spears cover. I've decided ultimately as a goal to stay happy without being in love. : ) So then that I can be independent and stand on my own two feet. I heard the words from my cousin Seang about how he hates girls who feel like they need a guy to rely on and can't be emotionally stable on their own. People should be pround of their feelings and believe in themselves because it's something that's their own. It's better to have honesty than be a liar. People shouldn't be punished for the way they feel. They should be accepted even if it goes against your opinions. Everybody has their own set of ideals, goals, and feel differently about things.

I want to be : confident, proud of myself, love myself, abstinent, single without being in love, independent

Staying single doesn't mean I can cast aside feelings either if I do start having feelings. Even so, I know those feelings won't be returned. I want to wait until I've achieved my goals and have reached my fullest potential. Be happy without having a lover, then find someone who will accept me. Both of us being our own individuals and still can be together at the same time. It depends. I contradict myself. I just know that the time will come. I want to find somebody that I will spend the rest of my life with, not just somebody to stay with for a little bit and have fun with them then become heartbroken or unhappy. I don't want to go down that road again. I want to be happy, abstinent, independent, and single. Grow to my fullest potential. Find confidence, happiness, and laughter.

SkullCandy Double Agent 40MM Wireless Headphones

Hey you! For Christmas I want..

WishList

SkullCandy Double Agent 40MM Wireless Headphones w/ 1GB SD Card





If I do get these, I'll probably end up buying them with my own money. I'll replace the 1GB SD card with a 4GB SD card from my camera. :) I already formatted it anyways. I don't really take pictures much anymore. Not like I really want to remember anything anyways. But then again.. Maybe I could use it to remember to do something. I need to start using the stuff I already have more. XD I waste money too much. Pfft, but I like doing it. I love to indulge myself.

Plush Bear Slippers

Oh wow. I found plush bear slippers! :D It costs 12 bucks on ebay sadly.

yay! I finally found a bear pajama suit that looks sort of like lain's, but it's expensive. XD hehe

Iomega® Prestige 320GB Portable Hard Drive

I miss Jimmy! I wonder what he is doing right now. Even if I wrote to him, I would be unsure of what to write at all. Or if I was talking to him on the phone.. I wouldn't know what to say even. I'm going to my relative's house today for Thanksgiving. I really want my laptop fixed already. I need to make better decisions with money and other things for that matter in general.

I just got back from the thanksgiving dinner at my aunt's house. :) It was fun, and the food wasn't that goood. Cause turkey is dry, and I don't really like it. haha The only thing I like is mashed potatoes with gravy and steak. :D

Daddy just took me to radioshack near my school and bought me an external hard drive that has 320GB, we're going to pick it up on Saturday. haha I'm going to get it and then put Mabinogi on it. It also has a one year warranty that cost us 5 bucks. Dad took out an 100 dollar bill and it cost him 60.85 cents in total to buy me the IOMEGA 320GB Portable HardDrive! ^^ I'm happy, cause it means more space on my laptop that's soon be fixed, all I need left is an extended mini usb port thing. My laptop only has o ne usb slot, sadly. D: It's weird how daddy has spending a lot of money lately. Before he wouldn't really do that anymore. It's because last week he bought me a $30 Acoustic Guitar
and some picks. Plus other things as well. haha : D it's awesome, I feel bad for free-loading off of him though. xB It means I get play Mabinogi on my less space laptop. hehe And it's better than upgrading, too! :) What I mean is something like this.. : D If your wondering why it's blue, it's cause blue is also my favorite color. blue, white, black or brown. ^^

Targus Mini USB 2.0 4-Port Hub - Blue (ACH102US-01)

I miss the ones I used to love. Robert, Kerry, Lily. I'm afraid to ever talk to any of them or become friends with any of them again for that matter because I think that if I do, it'll either lead to me liking them again or more pain than before. I don't want to go down any of those roads again and I don't want to cheat on my boyfriend either, so I want to stick to just concealing myself. I want to prevent any unnecessary feelings to come back again. I can't wait to go on that field-trip with Jimmy on December 9th! It's the day after I have to return the manga I'm reading, it's the first volume of Pet shop of Horrors lol! (which I haven't finished in a week) The things I like about my boyfriend is that he thinks differently than me and has more self control than I do. I practically have zero self control, none whatsoever! XD

Hey you! I've recently become infatuated with anything bear - colored nowadays or anything around that them. :) I'm falling in love with it. hehe<3 I've been going to Jimmy's house a lot too. We mostly hangout and do random stuff, but it's a lot of fun just being around him. He gets sick and tired of being in his house all the time. When it's me though.. The only reason I'd ever want to get out of the house is to go to his house. lol :) I'm pretty much used to staying home and doing nothing but use the computer and crap like that. I'm a straight - out lazy ass I guess. D: Pfft. I'm used to it though. :) I tend to worry about a lot of things and I'm a serious person most of the time. I get worried and scared of things quickly, but usually that doesn't stop me. Sometimes people tell me to call down because I get to over-excited over things like candy or food. haha :)

Weird dream.

I had a dream this morning where I woke up and Dean/Toby ( from my guitar class) was sleeping in a closet (with a sliding door) and I was asking him to have sex with me, but declined because he was too tired. Another part of the dream is that I was in cabin where there was snow all around outside in a blizzard-like environment and we were hiding away from enemies. But then at another part of the dream I saw the people who wanted to kill me (there were enemies riding on giant wolves) with their weapons at their sides.. They were violent and broke down the door on their giant wolves and killed everybody who was trying to protect me and by the time I woke up, I was the last one alive and cornered in the cabin surrounded by the people who wanted me dead.

Hell yeah!

I'm addicted to listening to Hadouken! ever since I watched ShaneDawson's videos. I put four of their songs on a data cd. I'll add more later on. hehe :)I even put a squid cursor for my computer too! It's super cute and blue<33 I'm going to customize everything on my computer. :) Cause it's fun!<3

Yeah.. XD

HeyI'm thinking of working afterschool with Dean with Mr. Shapiro so then that I can save up money to buy a cell phone and stuff. :) I think I'll tell daddy how much the computer was. He'll probably get really mad, but it just means that I'll be able to pay back my teacher as quickly as possible. :o I also need to do Mrs. Luckey's homework for english. I've been slacking off too much nowadays. Especially in Honors Chemistry. I couldn't understand anything in that class. I wonder what job I'll have when I'm older. I hope I won't be one of those damn prostitutes or anything. I'm too smart and stubborn for that. I don't get to talk to Garritt on the phone tonight because he's watching his dad play in his band. I think he's completely forgotten about me anyways. I keep on thinking about breaking up with him because it feels like it won't really work out. I don't think I'm a good match for him anyways. To me.. I think that he's boring and isn't really that interested in talk with me. It's hard to find what to talk about and he doesn't really listen to what I have to say. I'm not really sure if things will work out.. I keep on thinking.. That maybe there are other people who would be better than him that I could be with. I don't know. I shouldn't be concerned with that. I should be more concerned on work and school. That's what matters more. I just asked dad for $20 to pay back my teacher. I owe her approximately 182.19 I think. Blah. I'm absolutely in debt. I really think that I should work it off in Shapiro's class. haha.. Ah geez. I keep on thinking about other guys that I could be with. Dean.. Kevin.. (but it's all in imagination) Just because I think about or imagine myself in those situtations or if they liked me or not.. Doesn't mean that they do. I'm just imagining things and not thinking realistically. I need to control myself so then that I don't ruin it. Sometimes I start to not like Garritt because there's not much to talk about and when I try to talk to him about something.. He doesn't pay attention or says things vaguely instead of being more specific or straightforward. It bothers me. It irritates me so much. I just wish he would just try to be more talkative or want to talk to me or even just listen to me and tell me what he's thinking! Augh!

I should be happy though. I'm smart. Interesting. Talented. Beautiful. Cute. Sexy. I have an awesome computer(*cough cough* piece of crap), zune, and a great life. I should just try harder and be myself.

I'm in dance (with Mrs. Plescia), Guitar Class, and Enviromental Club. I want to do these things. I am interested in doing these things because I want to participate and try hard, even if I think that I'm not good at it. I'll keep on trying and do my best. :) I know that I can do it! I'm smart! I try hard.. I am determined!

Hey you! I got my laptop yesterday and had a great day. I had a lot of fun in my guitar class and talked on the phone with Garritt. :) hehe <33 So I was in a really good moood.

Next that's supposed to come is my dress, stockings, and mouse! : D I want them to come already. D:

Lolita<33

Hey you!

EGL Community

Lolita Fashion

Magatama Seller

Hey you!
DELL Latitude C640 1.8GHz 802.11g WIFI, CD-RW/DVD, SXGA
Total : $174.19
Blue RF Mini Optical Wireless Mouse Mini USB Receiver
Total : $8.00

Total of 2 Products : $182.19

Hey you!

Gloves = $9.95, $6.45 SHIPPING, TOTAL $16.04

Dress = $18.01, $9.99 SHIPPING, TOTAL $28.00

Stockings = $6.75 FREE SHIPPING, TOTAL $6.75

Shoes = $29.99, $25.00 SHIPPING, TOTAL $54.99

Laptop = $181.38, $27.99 SHIPPING, TOTAL $209.37

TOTAL AMOUNT : $315.15

Garritt Salazar<3>

WOAH!

Hey you! Haha I've got a new debt to pay off again. Laptop > Dell Inspiron, etc etc

Halloween > Lolita Babydoll : ) kawaii~<3>

Hey you!

Dir En Grey (e-mail for size)

HUMOR SZ S


Blue Striped PUNK Skirt

Measurement

Waist : 34"

Hip: 44 "

Length : 15.5 "

Blue Striped Lace Hat

Hey you! : ) I payed off my debt today and I got new jeans yesterday. : D I'm going to go to guitar class tomorrow. (2:00 - 4:00) I can't wait!<33 I'm so excited!! hehe

Berry Blue Free Shipping

Clear Crystal Case Cover Zune 8GB + CLIP

Zune Screen Protector

ACER One Aspire Battery Charger

SERIAL EXPERIMENTS LAIN LunchBox

Dad payed me $40 today.

89.09 - 40.00 = $49.09 owed